I Finally Found My Love Language - It's NOT one of the Five Known Languages

I have always wondered what my primary love language is as none of them seem to be greater than any other and I am always giving or doing things for others from all the love languages, and enjoy receiving from the five love languages, but have always been kind of indifferent about them. I love foot rubs but it is more about foot pain for me. If I want something, I usually buy it so gifts are not my main language. I enjoy time with my family, and enjoy notes and cards, but none of them stand out more than another for me. 

I had a realization this week after writing a guy back and forth on a dating site. I asked the guy what his favorite gift in his whole life had been. 

I don’t remember what he said his was, as I was writing a few different people, but he asked me the same question and it took me a long time to figure out what my favorite gift was. 

I told him that being a middle child from a family of 8 and being middle class, we didn’t get many name brand items, yet our cousins were wealthy and would always get name brand items. 

We would always take our favorite Christmas gifts to my Grandmothers who would give my parents money for the holidays to buy us presents. We would take the gifts to show her what her money bought. I was insecure about always getting used or non-name brand items. 

One year, my parents got me exactly what I asked for, a new Sony boombox and a new Mother Karen ski jacket. It wasn’t the gift I got that meant so much, it was that I felt heard. They listened to what I wanted. There weren't many times that I felt heard growing up.

I told the guy online that situation and had the realization that my love language is "being heard or listened to" as being the middle child of 8, I rarely had people listen to me. 

I then realized that three of my closest and dearest friends for the past few years are all people who just listen and love me. They never try to tell me what I should do, or how to do it, or try to fix it or tell me how I did something wrong in how I reacted or dealt with situations. They don’t judge me but just listen and show sympathy about what I am sharing. Living alone, I don't have someone to visit with at home, so I should have figured this out sooner, but I am just grateful I now know.

I feel happy to figure out what my love language is as it explains so much about my life. In researching, there is a "7" love language out there that has communication as one of the love languages which would cover my language in some ways, but it really isn't about communicating back and forth, it is just being validated by someone listening to my thoughts and feelings and there really doesn't have to be much back and forth, it is them just intently listening to me.

A therapist or uninvolved person wouldn't work as they don't genuinely care about me, so there is some component to the person really caring as well, so it is being listened to and cared about, not that they have to do anything other than listen, but I know they care.

Pondering on this for the past few days, I have realized that my mothers love language was also being heard. She spent years sharing her stories being a motivational speaker and recording tapes telling stories and sharing her feelings on things. I have listened and digitized hundreds of tapes of many types, and still have 190 cassette tapes to listen and see if anything on them is worth recording digitally. 

On one of these tapes, she shares that she tapes things because she is worried that no one will know the stories of her life as her kids aren't interested in listening and she and my father were going through a divorce about that time and hadn't communicated well for years. We didn't listen to her as we were raised in a home where communication wasn't honored or expressed well.

I realized that she just didn't feel heard as well. It really explains so much. I wish I had known that information before she passed away so I could show her I loved her in her own love language. I had tried for years to figure out her love language but she, like me, were a bit indifferent to most of them. We would do acts of service, give gifts, write notes, spend time, etc but nothing ever seemed to get through. I understand her now figuring this out!

Anyway, I am forever grateful to the guy online for helping me figure out my love language. It will help me in the future. I am grateful to know myself better! 

Have a blessed day!