Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Find Somebody To Love - Mom's Communications

My life has not calmed down at all since my mother died and her funeral and then cleaning out her house. I keep thinking things will slow but with all the girls getting new jobs and Princess Five finishing up her school year and then the pageant etc. My life is NOT slowing down.

I rush to try and get some yard work done in between sewing, cleaning, laundry etc. I have had one of the girls come home every weekend since my mothers funeral or we have been to their places. I wake tired all the time and when my mother lived with me, I gained more weight with the stress and not sleeping.

I am still going through my mom's stuff and had Princess Four clean out her room and stuff while she was home and she got rid of three big bins. Princess Five and I went through lots of her stuff this last weekend while Princess Four was home.

I am planning on taking the bunk beds to Princess One's when I head up in a few months for the birth of her second child and am hoping to also take up the smaller deep freezer that I have now that they have a house.

Life is crazy as Princess Four is getting ready to serve as a missionary and needs to get Dr.'s appointments, dentist appointments and Eye exams to make sure she is in good health.

Princess Two called last week to say she had another interview for a second job that she applied for before they created a full time job for her and her interview went well and Princess Three said she got offered another job last week as well. That is seven job offers / interviews in two months. Yahoo for amazing girls.

Anyway, nearly every day throughout the day, certain songs will come on and they aren't songs I really know well enough to sing the words but just a specific line will come into my head.

Last week an Anastasia song kept running through my mind for a week. "Have you heard, there's a rumor in St. Petersburg." I finally told Princess Five about it and she sang a line from the song that I didn't run through my head but it was exactly what I had been working on all week. "It could be worth a fortune if it belonged to her."

I have been looking up old stock certificates we found at my mothers and I felt like my mother was trying to guide me where and how to look online as I keep ending up on weird obscure sites I didn't know existed and have had a few no-sleep nights following leads on them. So, Princess Five was the reason I figure out that I think it is my mother trying to communicate as I shared about "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" playing and us seeing a rainbow a few weeks back where it was on Princess Five's shoulder. Click here for that post. 

A week or so back, Princess Five asked if she should sing, "Why are there so many songs about rainbows." for her talent song in the pageant. I thought that was so odd as I don't know that I have ever heard her sing it but as I shared, my mother sang, "Somewhere over the Rainbow" nearly every night to us and we sang it at her funeral.

So, this week comes around and I have the song, "The Sweet Escape" come into my head. It wouldn't stop as I was trying to sleep so I looked up the words as I don't know them other than a few chorus words and I realized that my mother was trying to tell me she was sorry for what she put me through. She is now VERY aware of my crazy life being a single mother and all the stress of having to clean out her houses over and over and sorting pallets of hoarded papers just to find the treasures. Sorting and scanning for years! Here is a link to one of the many posts on the summer I spent sorting. Here is a link to one of the MANY days I spent all day scanning her stuff and another where I did two weekend road trips scanning stuff. The sad part is, there are months and months left of scanning and sorting and I have bins full of cassette tapes, reel to reel tapes, videos that need transferring over and about 20 bins of news articles and letters etc that need sorting and scanning with a few bins of pictures as well. I calculated the other day that I spent a full year of my time sorting, scanning and being away from my family for my mother due to her illnesses and hoarding.

So, when this song kept running through my mind, after looking at the words, I knew she was trying to let me know she was sorry and trying to apologize. I don't feel like she needs to as I know she wasn't in her right mind but I know myself and I know if I put my girls through what I have had to do for my mother and her stuff, I would try to tell them "Sorry" as well so I just said a little prayer letting my mom know I forgive her for anything she felt she needed to say "Sorry" for as I know she did her best. Here are the words that stood out to me from that song.  And at the end, "waiting for you to save me" as I saved her life several times over the years. Here is a post about the first time.

If I could escape I would but,
First of all, let me say
I must apologize for acting stank & treating you this way
If I could escape & recreate a place that's my own world
& I could be your favorite girl (forever), Perfectly together
If I could be sweet, I know I've been a real bad girl
 I didn't mean for you to get hurt (whatsoever)
I've been gettin' a little lazy, waitin' on you to come save me

Then, yesterday and today, the song "Find Somebody to Love" kept running through my mind. I thought perhaps my mom was trying to tell me she was going to try and find me someone to love but I am quite happy single. I know that it doesn't matter what I want in my life sometimes, God has his own plan and if finding and being with someone is in my "cards" God will make it happen so I really have just not worried about it for many years now. I posted about an experience where God had a man text me by accident and we ended up dating so if it is "meant" to be, it will happen. Here is a link to that post

Of course, after two full days of "Find Somebody to Love" going through my head, I looked up the lyrics because I only know those exact words and none of the other lyrics. I actually started crying when I read the lyrics because so much of it is true in my life right now.

Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord what you're doing to me
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!
I work hard every day of my life
I work 'til I ache my bones
At the end I get down on my knees
And I start to pray
 'Til the tears run down from my eyes.
Everyday I try and I try and I try
But everybody wants to put me down
They say I'm goin' crazy
They say I got a lot of water in my brain
I'm OK, I'm alright
I ain't gonna face no defeat
I just gotta get out of this prison cell
Someday I'm gonna be free, Lord!

The reason I cried is the first two lines. I wake up so tired every day after little or no sleep due to the parasites and my feet are so sore and painful that I can hardly walk. I have such deep cracks in my feet that I put balm on them nightly with bandages but still, all day I can barely walk. Two nights ago, I woke all night long with my right foot cramping and muscle spasms due to parasites and every time I would try to sleep on my back, the cracks on the heels of my feet would hit the bed and I would wake in pain.

Then, I get to the second verse about working hard until my bones ache and I was just talking with the girls on Sunday about how mowing the front lawn and edging was all I could take as I went to mow the back, I remembered how a few weeks ago I pushed myself to do more than I felt I should and it took me two days to recover.
That event reminded me of another time God used a song to let me know things are "OK" in my world and I am blessed with different things. Here is a post to that day.

I have people online telling me I am crazy that I think I have a parasite that isn't a human parasite and some days, I hate looking at the internet just because I don't need that negativity as it is "crazy" that I have a parasites no one knows about yet. I get it! Doesn't mean that people have a right to be mean. So, YES, I did feel that the song was perfect about how my life is now. My feet hurt, I am tired, my bones ache, sometimes I do cry, people do call me crazy but in the end, "I AM OK, I'm alright! I ain't gonna face no defeat" I know God will see fit to let me out of my "prison cell" and I will be free of these parasites! He has let me know that it will happen, I have that faith! So, I do feel like my mom is speaking through music as that is how she lived her life. She LOVED music and used song lines to speak to me all the time. In fact, I listened to a voice mail I saved from her on my birthday a few years back. She sang, "Happy Birthday you Babe, How old are you now? You've raised Five sweet daughters, etc" She always spoke to me through song and still is!

It is now becoming a bit of a joke for me as whenever I sit for a minute, a song line will come into my mind and I start to laugh or smile as I know my mother is still around, just not in a way I can see. Perhaps it is all in my mind but really, even if it is, I don't know the words to these songs so it would be hard for me to come up with them just when they were needed.

I do know that my mother always hoped I would find somebody to love and perhaps, she will be instrumental in that someday~An aside, I just realized that "Queen" sings that song and my mother was a Beauty Queen. So, it is from Queen to me!

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