Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The Grass may be Greener but it's Full of Weeds! Part 2

When you start your day. Keep a note pad with you in your pocket with a small pencil. Write down each time you do something your spouse would have done for you or the kids or the house.

Write down each time something happened that you wanted to tell them about. "The baby took a step." "Susie lost a tooth!" Write down anything they would have helped you with like dishes, clearing the table etc. Notice how much they do physically or if they are working to support you outside the home, give gratitude they are working to support you and write that down. Write down each thing you would complain about your spouse. "Picking up socks, or newspapers." Write anything that would annoy you about your spouse.
After the day is over, notice how many things your spouse does for you, the kids, the house. Notice the things that annoy you that you wrote down and ask yourself, "Would I miss doing this if they were gone?" What are a pair of socks or a newspaper compared to seeing them with your kids. Imagine yourself packing your children up after doing all things by yourself and saying goodbye to them for 6 weeks in the summer? Or, every other weekend? Only getting every other holiday and only getting Christmas morning every two years. Is the newspaper really that big of deal when it comes to those issues?

Take your li
st and talk to your spouse about it. Tell them how you haven't appreciated all that they do for you. Tell them what annoyed you throughout the day and ask if they would try to be better and you would also try to be better. If for no other reason, try this for your kids sake. They are always the one that lose in divorce.

EVERYONE looks better when you see your spouse in the morning after she's had no sleep with sick kids or when he comes in dirty from working in the yard etc. I have been on and off dating websites for years. I have met a few gems in the group and they have become good friends (Jay, Rob and Graydon are the best.)

However, I have been left at restaurants after I ordered because TGIF doesn't carry the hockey games so he left me to go home and watch it. The guy drinking at the bar was shocked and told me I could join him. lol I have more than once met married men who let it slip they weren't divorced. I met a man who wouldn't sit where the hostess wanted to seat us because he needed to be by a window so he could have three points of escape if anything bad happened at the restaurant. This same man was doing Yoga in the foyer of the photography place where I was picking up a picture and did hop skips to exercise on the way to the restaurant.

I have also had two dates that never showed. (Actually one was 2 hours late because he had a flat tire and didn't have a cell phone and didn't bring my number when someone offered him a phone) The other, was a "set up" that I dated a few times but he didn't think his "thing" would take as long leaving me at a couples dance club by myself where I was harassed by a special needs man for about 2 hours before I gave up and left. "Yes" he did have a cell but didn't answer thinking his "thing" would be over soon, and "No", I did not go out with either again! One man moved us as we were being seated at dinner, ordered everything cooked his way that wasn't on the menu, used a coupon and brought a board game and the funnies with him into the restaurant.

I have had men "try" things, say things, imply things and each time have had to retreat to safety sometimes with a bit of fear attached.

So, here is my advice. Go to the club again, a store, McDonald's, a park or anywhere with your spouse. Take off your ring and you pick each other up. Start fresh. Look at why you married them in the first place. Make a date night one night a week that you DON'T miss! Have a get away weekend or overnight trip at least once every two or three months or more depending on finances, sitters etc. Take turns planning the date nights and make them an adventure. Do "Theme" nights. Anything to reconnect with your spouse.
The dating scene isn't fun. It may have been fun when you were 18 but when you are 40 something, greying, a bit overweight and have been out of the game for many years, it isn't so much fun. There isn't one single friend I have that wouldn't be thrilled to meet someone that they would "match" with in at least a few ways.

I heard a funny story about a single lady who said, "A few years ago I wanted a professional man, good looking, wealthy, successful etc. Now I would settle for one that has hair and teeth." lol Take a look at the wonderful things your spouse does and is. Find out why you married them all over again. Ask yourself, "Would they pick me if they could choose all over again?" If the answer is "no way" then maybe you are part of the problem. I am grateful for forgiveness that we can start over and begin again......

Take this for what it is worth, advice from someone who may not have made all the right choices the first time and prays that I may soon begin again.....

These are some of the pictures I put on the dating sites over the years.

I wish you a long and happy marriage!

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