When Helping Isn't Helping - Even Older Moms Can Learn New Things

Many years ago, I would stay at a family members home when traveling to family events. I would take my five children in tow. We would usually stay for a weekend. 

When visiting someone, I always want to do as much as I can for myself and always clean up after by changing sheets, cleaning the bathroom etc. My mother always taught me to leave a place cleaner than when I entered. 

I would often stay up late in the night cleaning rooms, doing dishes, organizing things, etc. To this day, I still do that, because I don't like to sit down during the day, because I fall asleep when sitting. I have even named the situation "Sit-itus" because it happens all the time when I sit. I have several blog posts on the situation. Here is a link to the first one about it. 

I just keep pushing through the day so I can sleep better at night. I am also someone that likes to organize things. I have the type of mind that wants to "connect" things, so when I was helping my dad this summer with his knee surgery gone wrong, I helped his wife do some jobs that were a bit hard for a petite older person. I took down the arbor which was one of the dirtiest jobs I have ever done. I helped her organize her food storage room, and I collected all my fathers history from around the house and garage and organized it by date / event and went and scanned all of it. 

I have to say that I haven't taken the time to put it all back in order in the scans as I had to do it all on different scanners, but it is fairly organized and just needs a few days of hard time to get it so that it is a fully organized picture of his life, including schooling, mission, family, work, service, travel, and family history. I love that I was able to help him heal, and at the same time, use my time there wisely helping my step-mom (name only as I love her like a mother) and my dad in several areas of their lives. As a side note, I got the cutest text from my "mom" today saying "I miss you everyday!" Just sharing why I LOVE this woman! 

Anyway, I learned something over the years. Certain people do NOT like help. Their home is the way it is for a reason. It took me years to figure out why my family member had a little melt down with me staying there at times. 

When I would do all the dishes in the sink each night, her children LOVED it. I was saving them from having to do their chores. I am the type of person who likes the sink empty and clean at the end of the night, so I assumed that others did as well. 

Each time I would get the dishes done, she would start pulling out baking pans and make huge amounts of dishes. It didn't matter what time of day or night I finished all the dishes, she would FILL the sink and counters with dishes before going to bed. 

I am actually surprised at how long it took me to figure out what the issue was. It was almost like it was a frenzy to fill the sink. The more I did the dishes, the more irritated and stressed she would become. 

Years later, after some other things happening, I realized that to her, if people came in and saw all sorts of dishes in the sink and pans on the counter, she was a good mom! She was cooking home cooked meals and interesting things and she wanted people to know it. If I did the dishes, she wouldn't have a visual proof for people visiting that she cooked or baked. She LIKED and felt COMFORTABLE with a sink full of dishes! It was a badge of honor for her. 

I stopped doing the dishes and helping out as much around the house. Her kids started to make comments about how when we used to come, the liked it because I would do the dishes and clean the house. If I did the chores, she didn't have a reason to get after the kids. I think she LIKED having a reason to connect with the kids, even if it was in that way. I finally had to explain to some of the children why I stopped doing their chores. They understood that and my relative really calmed down about us staying when I stopped doing her dishes. I did feel sad for the children as we brought and made lots of dirty dishes and work for them. Where as they used to enjoy the visits, they then became burdensome to the kids, so we stopped going much as that became more of an issue for the children. 

Fast forward to when my eldest started having children. I figured it is a mom's job to help out. I didn't have a mother that would do anything to help when she came to visit, I would have to wait on her. So, I decided I was going to be a "helpful" mother. I would clean the house each time I went. I would fix broken things, work in the yard, scour the bathroom, and do laundry. I would always make sure that there were NO pans in the sink. Over several visits, I could tell things were not going well. I don't sit, and so I was always looking for something to do. 

I have a friend I go walking with and I was sharing the situation I am sharing on this post. She said, "When I was a young mom, my mother would always come and clean my house. It made me feel like she was saying I wasn't a good house keeper, or a good mother. But, I got over myself after a few kids and LOVED it when she would come help me clean and take care of the kids!" It finally clicked in my head what may be the problem when visiting Princess One. 

I asked Princess One on my next visit, and she shared that she didn't like it when I cleaned her house. She just wanted me there to help and play with the kids! I used to cook most of the meals, do the dishes, fix things, etc. keeping busy the entire day, as well as playing with the kids, WHICH I LOVE. I ENJOY working! The last two times I have visited Princess One's family, I didn't clean anything. I didn't do the dishes, or cook the meals unless asked. If the kids were busy, I would sit down and usually fall asleep, which I didn't like, but at least I wasn't upsetting the situation. 

I always take several boxes of activities to play with the kids. I try to make it fun for them by pulling something new out to play with every few hours so they don't get board of the same things. I have about 12 boxes now of different aged activities that I can take and do with them. They love it, and I enjoy getting to spend time with them and even though I am sometimes looking for something to keep me busy, I just sit and play a game on my phone, which isn't something I do very often. 

Lesson and moral, ASK first before "helping" as what you think is helping, may actually be really offensive to the host! 

Have an organized and joyously blessed day!