OVERLOAD

The emotional component of dealing with my mother and planning her funeral has been easier than I thought it would be.

The rougher part has been dealing with everyone else that may not be ready to see her die. I have a family member that has made no contact to write or call my mother the entire time she has been with me yet has grand ideas and plans that he wants others to agree with and plan.

He mentioned that he felt "guilty" about something he didn't do for a friends father who was dying in the past and I think he is starting to feel guilty about what he hasn't done for my mother as well.

Throwing a grand party won't change that there isn't or hasn't been contact. The is no "going back" on what you have said or haven't said. There is forgiveness if one chooses to give or ask for it but no one else can clear out that spot in our souls where we feel guilt but us.

If someone says they are "sorry" for something, they clear out their spot of emotional overload of guilt but if we don't accept their apology or asking for forgiveness and we hold-back forgiveness, we put another load of stuff in that spot wherever we "Store" our "Stuff."

I was sad to hear that this person had been holding onto guilt about something he thought he should have done but didn't. The sadder part to me was that when he asked his friend about doing what he planned, the friend and family decided against it. So, if the family didn't want him to do it, why the guilt?

I wrote and said, "You have to do what YOU feel YOU need to do. If you ask someone if they want something and they say "no" and you want to do it anyway, is it for you or them? If you want to plan an event and find contacts for everyone and plan food, place to hold it, put it in the paper and make a grand event, then YOU should do it as YOU are the one that feels guilty that YOU didn't do it for "his friends dad here". You may not want to carry that guilt around for mom. However, if his family said "NO" and you did it anyway, they could have felt like you were putting YOUR feelings before their wishes. Maybe you just writing him a letter or calling him and letting him know how you felt or collecting letters from friends and family and giving him a book of them could have been options for you to honor him but still honor the family wishes or his wishes if he didn't want it and not have the guilt you say you feel."

My mother didn't want what he suggested for her own reasons. We need to honor her wishes. I have learned that we hold onto emotions like badges. Seeing my mother try to finally forgive someone that did something 75 years ago and someone that stole something 50 years ago and a little girl named Penny for something when they were in Jr. High makes me see that each of us have those badges. Guilt, anger, hurt, grief, and many more that at some point can more than fill the space where we put them causing an overload.

Tonight, I hit "overload" on dealing with my mother calling people etc. I went into her room this morning full of joy after having some insights while praying and pondering this morning about her.. She was sobbing over being alone and dying without a spouse. I got her over that and she went into another "sadness." I got her over that and she went into being angry about not being able to drive anymore and told me she didn't want to talk anymore.

I shared with her that I was awake late into the night worrying about finances as one of the girls wants to go and serve as a missionary which costs about $500 a month. I shared that I am worried about sending  her (my mom) home as no-one will agree where to send her yet she can't be alone. I shared how I was worried about her last IV site being infected as she kept picking at it and now it is swollen and red, etc etc. I shared how I came in happy and on about 3 hours of sleep and have never once mentioned being alone or not having money or not being out in my yard this spring when by now I would have gotten the flower beds cleaned out and the rest of the trees I didn't get pruned in the fall done. I didn't mention that I still have bins of Christmas in the basement as I can't get down there and hear her and she puts herself to bed. 

I told her to "buck up" and deal with it as I don't wallow in my stuff and be the victim spreading that around for everyone crying all the time. It seemed to work somewhat but then the emails came and came and came and everyone was back and forth about funeral programs and what they don't like and I hit my overload.

I said I was backing out of the conversation due to trying to honor my mothers will. I realize now that planning the funeral with my mom would be a cake walk. The problem is when you put all the siblings and her siblings in the mix, you then have "situations" come up. I did what she asked me and I am moving on to the obituary that she feels happy with and they can deal with each other to make it what they want after she is gone. I for one have hit "Overload!"